by José Antonio Pagola
Lord, before we enter into the racket and confusion of New Year's, I want to meet up with You slowly and calmly this afternoon. I seldom do this. You know that I don't find the time to pray these days. I've forgotten those prayers they taught me as a child and I haven't learned to talk with You in a more living and concrete way.
Lord, the truth is, I don't really know if I believe in You. So much has happened these past years. Life has changed so much and I've gotten so worn out inside. I'd like to feel more alive and close to You. It would help me a lot to believe. But it's gotten so hard for me.
And yet, Lord, I need You. Sometimes I feel so bad inside. The years pass and I feel my life fraying. On the outside everything seems to work okay: my job, my family, the kids. Anyone would envy me. But I don't feel good.
Now one more year has gone. This night we start a new year, but I know that everything will keep going the same. The same problems, the same worries, the same efforts. But for what?
How I would like to be able to renew my life from within. Find within me a new joy, a different energy for living each day. To change, to be better with myself and with everyone. But at my age you can't expect big changes. I'm already too used to my way of living. I myself don't believe very much in my transformation.
But on the other hand, You know how I let myself get swept along by the agitation of each day. Maybe that's why I hardly find myself with You. You're within me and I almost always go around outside of myself. You're with me and I go about lost in a thousand things.
If at least I would feel You as my best Friend. Sometime I think that that would change everything. What joy it would be if I didn't have that kind of fear of You. I don't know where that fear comes from but it keeps me so far from You.
Lord, write it well in my heart that You would only feel love and kindness toward me. Remind me within that You accept me just as I am, with my mediocrity and my sin, and that You love me even though I don't change.
Lord, my life is going on, and sometimes I think that my great sin is not ending up believing in You and in your love. That's why tonight I don't ask You for things. Only that You awaken my faith just enough to believe that You are always near and You walk with me. Throughout this new year, may I not get very far away from You. May I know how to meet You in my sufferings and my joys. Then maybe I will change. It will be a new year.